i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
