Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
