just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
