Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
