No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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