i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
