the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
