i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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