dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Randomize
