I think im going to throw up on grandma
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
