I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
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