What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize