people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
