I swear she didn't look like that last week.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Randomize
