Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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