I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
