Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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