I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
