My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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