I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
