Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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