drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
