I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
