Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
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