Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
