So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
