brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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