Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Randomize
