my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
The best revenge is premature balding
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Randomize
