Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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