the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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