the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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