i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Princesses don't give blow jobs
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize