1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
