my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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