Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
