Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
don't judge my taste in strippers
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
