Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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