so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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