There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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