after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
