i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
