I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
