So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
