Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Randomize
