I smell stomach acid.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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