We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
My dick has a subreddit
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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