sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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