Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
