I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
