Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
