I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
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