I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
