i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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