Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
