I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Randomize
