She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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