After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
